This Illuminating Dream

Being a person is such a fascinating mystery.  

I am not my body, but I have a body.

I am not my feelings, but I have feelings.

I am not my thoughts, but I have thoughts.

I am not my awareness, but I am aware.

Who am I?

What is I?

The awareness of my awareness as Tolle suggests?  Maybe.  The mystery that we call God as Chopra phrases it?  Possibly.  

I don't know the answers, but I know that when I allow what is to be, when I am balanced in awareness and surrendered to the flow of existence, I am at peace.

Being Myself

We don't know what our True Authentic Self really is or feels like.   Experience, human expression, it's all trial and error.  But not in that an error is wrong.  To err is human.  To miss the mark.  To continuously fall short in spite of our best efforts.  Yet salvation is in the journey.  Our "True Self", that inner core of unconditional love and ultimate oneness is only accessible through these unique, individual human perspectives . By delving in, being more "me", by trying out things that I am drawn to, finding the essence in them that attracted me, keeping that aspect and then trying out new expressions of me.  Ideas, looks, interests, passions all bringing me in contact with the world outside me and giving me all kinds of information about the world inside me.  Go for it.  Try it out.  Make a change unashamedly.  Be who you want to be now.  To err is human.  To not try is to deny yourself the depth of what it is to be human.  There is no failing.  You succeed in having experiences every time you try.  How they turn out is beyond your control, and the unexpected outcome brings the next Adventure.  What do you want? Just do it.

Yum

75 minutes of yoga culminating in headstand in warm pajamas.  With Macklemore, Sia, Mary Lambert, Awesome.  #ilovemylife #ilovemyself

Self-Care

Making some face scrub and about to pamper myself and then do restorative yoga before bed.  Show yourself some love today!

Self-Care

Making some face scrub and about to pamper myself and then do restorative yoga before bed.  Show yourself some love today!

Undoing

Yoga isn't about "doing the pose" it's undoing what is in the way of the pose. As children we generally experience freedom of movement in our bodies.  As we get older various factors contribute to our feelings of aging and limitation.  Approaching our adult body with compassion and curiosity and a spirit of removing obstacles is the heart of physical yoga.  Find ease and freedom!

Freedom

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-10544/10-things-everyone-gets-wrong-about-yoga-and-how-to-make-it-right-for-you.html

My 8 Limbs

Another day, another practice

An hour of breath-based yoga flee by... Sia's "Breathe Me" playing on repeat.

Notes from Leslie Kaminoff Workshop

Page one of more to come

Blessings

Good food 

after an insightful yogic lecture.  

Breathing in, I am grateful for my food. Breathing out...i am about to eat this shit UP! 

#zen #butforrealthough

From "Zen Keys"

Seeing into one's own nature is not the fruit of study or research.  It is a profound insight derived from living in the heart of reality, in perfect mindfulness.  There is no enlightenment outside of daily life.  -Thich Nhat Hahn

Morning

It's cold here this morning.  Someday I will live in a place that is never cold.  For now, I am learning not to judge "cold" as "bad".  :)

The past? That's SO over...

Housekeeping

Up And At 'Em

One nice thing about even semi-consistently blogging is that I can start to see patterns.  Recently I notice I have been feeling my practices slipping as far as length and regularity.  Since that doesn't align with my goals, now that I am aware of that imbalance I can take action to bring my habits more toward what I do want.  So today, up early!  Let's do this!  #motivated

Emotional Weather

Feeling crabby,

Grouchy, 

Irritated.

Needed to take personal time first,

But I mysteriously declined the chance.

Now I am most of the way through 

Quiet time, renewal practices,

but I can still feel the morning gunk

lingering on my inner landscape.

Now a little more space, easing up.

Still, I resist meditation.  

#ahumanexperience

Practice

Every day I get on my mat with intention and breath, my personal power becomes  more real to me.

Slacking Happens

So, I have been slacking.  Not only in my blog writing but in my homework as well. I was really on it and then my partner got sick.  And then friends keep coming over to hang out.  Also my schedule ia so busy that in the evening I "just want to relax".  All I have to say about this recent trend is that it is officially over.  Slacking happens.  It is human to fluctuate in dedication.  Here comes mine, roaring back to the top.  Day One again.  

Time Rolls On

Second training weekend done.  Being there is such a sweet retreat yoga-bubble with nothing to consider but my learning and practice.  It felt exhilarating. Refreshing.  Transitioning back into my regularly scheduled programming is a bit bumpy, but still I notice things I have gained that sustain my ability to be centered.  Its a fairly new mental/emotional muscle but I feel it growing.  

It Slips By

Time "goes so fast" that it is impossible to fit in everything I intend to do, want to do.  Uet the moments are more crisp and clear these days.   I am back in Asheville for  my second weekend of yoga therapy training.  Loving it.  Here's to an early morning after a late night!

Yoga Fitting Around Life

Peaceful moment

I have been deeply "allowing" my difficult feelings to arise, and it had been intense. I have a life long habit of only allowing "positve" feelings, but I am ready to remove that blockage.  One day at a time! 

Some days

Are harder than others.  This was one of them.  Several "reasons" but the cause? Being human.  We suffer.  We have difficult feelings.  We have unfulfilled wishes or expectations.  I spent the firts five minutes on my mat today in childs pose, just curled up.  Felt nice.  Then, some balance work.  Crow play.

 

Direct Experience

Natural Female Beauty

This was removed from my feed on Facebook but it is so worth sharing.  Enjoy!

http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2014/08/expose-shedding-light-on-collective.html?m=1

Making it Work

It can often seem overwhelming to find time to practice with a small child in the house.  This morning Michael and I decided to try practicing while our little one ran around.  Mostly, he stayed righth by us asking questions about poses and driving his trains ans cars under our bridge poses.  Success!  *this post failed to publish a couple days ago.  :). Retry

Breathe

Early morning again.  I am actually startihg to look forward to these dark sleepy mornings, and to miss them when I don't get up.  Considering what a staunch night-owl I always was before that change in itself is amazing me.  We can grow, change, develop brand new ways of being over time.  Keep doing it little by little and breathe into it.  Things will shift.

Morning Play

Asana (physical postures) with Victor VanKooten's inspiring art and Bikram's full-body range of motion sequence (without the heat and at my own pace) at home this morning.  "Asana is not merely an activity of the physical body, but also of the breath and mind" -Desikachar 

Home Again

I thought I might be exhausted today but I am exhilirated.  My alarm went off 40 minutes early too!  I am kind of amazed actually.  The whole weekend I felt so in the right place, coming home feels like the right place too.  I love that I can have both.  Only 2 houra of work today, then I get to arrange my studio with all the delightful "props" that arrived in the mail while I was away.  Yoga=play!!

Early morning me making coffeeee!

On the Path

Going home today, but this is only the first weekend of many.  Being "on my path" isn't an abstraction these days, it is an actual course of training, a clear vision of what I could be doing in the future, and of course the literal being on the road.  It is envirgorating.  Even though I have had less sleep than usual, been camping in the rain, it feels fantastic.  One of my biggest motivations in unrelentingly seeking out my own happiness and fulfillment is to be able to support others in doing the same.  Whatever it is that will put the pieces into place that allow each of us to grow into our wholeness.  Keep at it!!

Here, Now

Why, for me, yoga?

People who know me know I have become progressively more yoga crazed.  It isnt because of a fad or for exercise... for me it started as a child.  By nature I was very flexible and enjoyed a sort of intuitive body movement practice that, looking back, had yogic elements.  But at the same time, I was raised in a very strict,repressive fundemtalist home.  I gradually learned to totally rely on external authorities for every aspect of my behavior, thoughts and feelings.  This disconnect from my own inner life and empowerment became so integrated in me that I became unaware of my body.  I would stub my toe and it would be bleeding and I wouldnt even notice.  My mom would jokingly (haha..) say "its like you dont even know you HAVE a body!"  

When I reached adulthood and finally realized I had to leave that environment I was cautious.  I made big life changing decisions.  But I also knew to avoid choices with consequences not easily undone.  I was slow to "throw out" the teachings of my youth.  I just let it be, didnt pursue it further but didnt reject it either.  

Many choices andexperiences later I began my conscious journey of personal empowerment and well being.  I started by reading a variety of books.  

"Love Wins" by Rob Bell, which freed me from the pervasive fear I had been taught.

"A New Earth", by Eckhart Tolle,  which opened my mind to many new possibilities not least of which was that peace is always available in the moment.

Several books by Thich Nhat Hahn that gave me practical, simple everday tools to begin to experience more of that in-the-moment peace.

Around that same time adear friend gave me a yoga dvd suggesting I might enjoy it.  I did.  It stuck with me.  Began to brinng me back to a connection between mind and body.  To bring my awareness from the past and future into My Body Now.  And that sensation has revolutionized how I feel in my body, my mind and my life.  

      

On the Road Again

Everything is packed, prepped, and I am about to leave Chattanooga!  Whole Foods munchies for the road, plenty of water, fresh coffee, tarp, tent, love letter from my sweet, aaaand People magazine issue about the Jolie-Pit wedding.  What more could a modern yogi want?!  Here I goooooooo!!!

Almost there

I'm in North Carolina!!  Asheville here I come.  Thanks to Macklemore, Mary Lambert, Of Monsters and Men and last but not least Dan Savage for keeping me company on the way.  

(Don't worry I am posting at a rest stop- never text and drive!)

Here I go

I am so grateful for the opportunities and blessings in my life.  All that is, that which sustains my life and this conscious experience.  I am ready for this next adventure!  Off to yoga school...

Get creative

5:51 AM- coffee and Paul Grilley.  Yoga next.  Perhaps caffeine before yoga isnt recommended...but I am a modern Western yogi who pretty much picks amd chooses my combination of practices.  :D 

Taking Care

Self care is one of the tools that has changed my life the most (along with mindfulness).  Since I discovered that I have Personal Power, I've been realizing how much control I do have in my life.  I'm the hero of this plot, my life-movie.  Other people come on the scene and do their thing (each the hero of their own story) but still, this movie is mine.  Literally empowering.  

5:30AM

I'm still getting up early early.  It's one of the few chances I really have consistently to practice.  So, morning person or not, I've been doing it.  Last night I went to sleep at 9:30 though to make up for it.  Here's rag doll.  

Willful Practice

I like yoga because it is so practical and it's a system with such a broad range of tools.

There are a lot of things I want to learn, balance, attain.  It's about dedicating myself to my own self understanding with the relentless unconditional love of a parent to a child.  Or the rapt attention of new lovers for one another.  

Feel like it or not, I'm intending to commit willfully to a daily practice of Hatha yoga (the poses), meditation, study, conscious breathing and yogic devotion to my own path.  It's excited and intimidating.

I have everything I need to do this.  And I even made a teeny closet into my own teeny private study place.  Setting aside space and time for myself!  It feels great.  

Making Time

I love my sleep.  Always have.  In fact I'm typically a 9-10 hour a night kind of girl.  But with a new full-time job that starts at 8:30 AM, yoga therapy training, a partner and a child if I'm going to fit in any serious yoga and meditation it has to be carved out of my sleeping time.  New habits!   So here I am at 6:30AM having just did a solid hour of practices.  Feeling good!  

Not a Morning Person

Didn't get to post this yesterday...developing a routine that involves getting up when it is dark is against my natural inclinations to party til midnight and sleep til 9.  Oh self-control how you challenge me... :/. This is me starting out with an in-bed child's pose at something ungodly like 5:30 in the morning.  Wtf??  But yeah...it really does feel good to work toward my goals.  

Personal Power

I've been consciously on my "path" for about five years now.  In that time I've read a LOT of self-help, DIY therapy, spiritual books of various kinds, and generally sifted through my beliefs continuously.  Now, when I read a book of that type I can readily recognize what feels "true" for me, and what doesn't.  The important question for me is whether or not the idea being presented will be of practical value to me.  That includes spiritual theories too.  We all have the opportunity to choose our own story-  externally we have a great deal of control, and internally we have unlimited personal power to change our inner landscape.  Collecting ideas and practices that fit for me had brought me a deep daily awareness of my own power, and it supports me in changing my old thought patterns, limiting assumptions, stuck emotions, anduch more.  Today I read this from Brenda Davies, M.D., 

"I control each and every thing that comes to me.  I accept complete responsibility for my life.  I am the power. So be it."  

I like that.  And I've experienced my own power to change my world, so I know it is true for me.  

On a less serious note-  mirror play!  :)

Yoga Jam

Getting some music I love in a playlist for yoga.  Yesterday I did an hour without wanting to stop.  Yaaaay music!  Also this one song from Thomas Newman is rocking my world right now.  "Any Other Name", my soundtrack.

In this body

Some days...not as much

Woke up at 6:30 and was dead tired.  I got onto my mat and settled into child's pose.  That was almost it, but that itself was more than I've done in the past.  I also got a few minutes to read what I'm studying (study being another arm of the 8 limbed path or yoga), as well as some mindful breathing practice.  Love it that no matter what's going on the breath is there to come back to. I didn't get time to meditate today and by this evening I noticed I was dramatically crankier than when I do meditate.  Tomorrow another day, another opportunity for willful practice.  And yes, the child's pose felt good.  

Play

Yoga helps me get back into the fun of body exploration I had as a kid.  Remember summersaults, rolling down the hill, running around because it was exhilarating?  

Today I took my little boy to the playground and while he romped, I did a little yoga flow and played with Scorpion again.  I'm finding the perfect amount of initial lift to get up and balance but not flop all the way over.  Today I practiced against a tree.  Ahhh.

Yoga Life

Off to teach my Sunday morning class.  Here's my real life so far today...my little son woke me up at 5 AM and I was not happy about it.  Suffering...what does it mean?  Why do we experience it?  Age old mystery.  Breathing helps.  

Then I got to the studio and used the tool where you do what's good for you even if you don't feel like it.  Below are some "be real" scorpion at the wall attempts

Being a Yogi Today

I'm into yoga.  If you know me, you probably already know that.  It's a whole kind of lifestyle system, and I find it really helpful and cool.  But if you don't know much about it, yoga can seem strange, mystical, boring, unattainable...lots of things.  Traditional ways that were once revered and followed (and still are by many) are now becoming out of sync with the way we see things in the modern world.

So, here's me, being a yogi, every day for the next year (or as often as I can manage in my real life).

Some notes:
I don't like the word "yogini" so I don't use it.  Sounds like a bad cross between yogurt and linguini to me.

About hurt feelings:
I'm not out to offend or shock.  However, I will not be limiting myself to fit in.  I am being authentically me. There are seemingly unlimited places on the internet to get information or be entertained.  If this is not one that suits you, that's ok.

Brief intro: I am 33 and 3/4, a scorpio, an ex-christian-fundamentalist, a mom of one, a political progressive, pansexual and proud, a sign language interpreter, a student of yoga and restorative body work, Taoism, Thich Nhat Hahn, and lots of other things.  Everyone has many nuances, influences, labels, roles.    I might say things some find offensive. (See yogini comment above).  I deeply respect that each person has their own perspective.  I share mine to participate in human culture, to support causes I believe in, and to be expressive.  Most of all in this endeavor I want to be real.  Real human life in the western world is a wildly varied experience.  This is a peek into mine.

Enough with the intro.

August 16, Saturday
Got to sleep in.  This is me being very serious in tree pose.  And then realizing if I turned my head I could look like I was eating light.  Or shining light out of my mouth.  Either way.  #YogaLife #BeReal